Could Childhood Exploitation Affect My Sex Drive?
Question: Is it normal for a woman to want to have sex more often
than her
partner? I was sexually abused as a child and wonder if this
might have anything to do with me wanting sex and always
thinking of sex..............By Louanne Weston
Answer: Jan. 8, 2001 -- It's certainly normal for two people
to have discrepancies
about how often they want sex. Sometimes the woman wants it more,
sometimes the man. But you characterize yourself as someone who
wants sex -- and thinks about it -- nearly all the time, and that's
different.
Might your preoccupation with sex be related to the sexual exploitation
you experienced as a young person? Possibly. Victims of childhood
sexual exploitation usually feel one of these three effects as
adults:
Sexual aversion. The person has negative
associations with sex
and avoids it as much as possible. Dr.Roy: Most often here
the opposite sex hates that of the opposite agenda of the parent.
Daughter hates father and therefore when married hates husband
therefore sex is difficult. Or the opposite happens and the daughter
when married runs to every man for sex belittling the man seen
as father. Go to "Letter to Dennis
Prager".
High focus on sex. The person feels a preoccupation that leads to lots
of sexual activity, or frustration at not having sex as often
as he or she would like. Sometimes this causes the person to act
in ways that compromise his or her psychological and physical
health. The childhood exploitation doesn't really color the person's
views on sex with either attraction or repulsion -- the person
simply views it as an aspect of his or her past. Dr.Roy: This
is not right. Sexual experiences during childhood are a form of
molestation physically and mentally. Any early sexual experiences
in a child are very destructive emotionally in later adult years.
They produce the obsessive "feelings" which we find
in every emotional disorder. The child becomes an adult full of
resentment, anger, jealosy and frustration. These all come from
the early sexual arousements of a child. In other words there
is a reason for everything.
Your situation seems to fall into the second category. You haven't described your adult sexual activities as being harmful, other than putting you out of synch with your partner. But if you have taken risks like engaging in unsafe sexual behaviors or having sex in dangerous circumstances, that may be related to your past. That's something a sex therapist could help you explore. Dr.Roy: All of these sexual behaviour patterns are derived from early sexual arousement during childhood traumas. Actually anger itself brings out the feelings of sex. It is important to keep one's child away from sexual encounters until he or she understands the true meaning of sex.
If your high interest in sex is in fact related to your exploitation, it may be because when you were growing up, you had to make some kind of sense out of your experiences. You came to accept that sex occupied many spaces in your life, and you may have coped by turning it into a preoccupation. Dr.Roy: Remember that the sexual feeling is addictive and when it comes early in life it becomes a serious problem. Conflicts and fears begin to become serious problems for those who have had these experiences.
Even if you spend some time in counseling and understand some of your desires more clearly, you may find you have a very different sex drive than your partner. That's something to sort through with him if you intend to make this a long-term relationship. If that's the case, spend sometime in joint counseling with your partner and see if that leads to greater compatibility. Dr.Roy: It is healthier to work out one's own sexual desires on an individual basis first because the need and addiction for sex must be overcome and seen as a purposeful act rather than an act to seek pleasure and create some excitement. Sex also fails because it uses another person and therefore creates feelings of guilt and dependencies. It teaches "the use of others" rather than "giving unto others". Sexual relationships are dysfunctional because they involve a need to satisfy a conditioned behavior which is actually not a choice but a need to resolve anger "sin" through the sex itself. A good natural and healthy relationship does not involve sex and for this reason we must understand that homosexuals never have good relationships. We must understand that the goals of all human entities is to attain to a relationship with Creator which of course does not involve sex. You just cannot have sex with "G". But you are having sex with that which you made a god, that female or male companion. You are worshipping your partner but a healthy and natural human entity must only worship his or her Creator. Dysfunctional people put other people on a pedistal to worship and then later feel sorry for it. People continue to need to feel life, a sensuous and sexual behavior, rather than coming to the understanding that one must act correctly and not misbehave. This is nothing but maturing to adulthood and should be a natural aspiration without "feelings". When a child reaches the age of thirteen he or she should hopefully begin to understand the meaning of sex and that it is a conditioned muisbehavior. If he or she had been pre-exposed to sexual arousement it must be explained away by the parent in order for the child to mature without the future addictions to not only sex but to everything in life, food, music and drugs.
Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, is a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor, and a board-certified sex therapist who has practiced sex therapy since 1983. Dr.Roy: Her answers fail the spiritual base of human life. There is much more to the problem than realized. It is deeper than realized and when the sexual act is condoned this means that one is condoning addictive misbehavior. Dr.Roy is not saying that one must just eliminate sex completely but is saying that one must learn to slowly decrease its desires and become a spiritual human entity sooner or later rather than a sensuous being. This is simply growing up into adulthood which is expected of a natural human entity.